Monday, September 10, 2012

Milk DUD of a Grandma

Let me preface this by saying, my mom is a lifesaver. T's first few weeks of life were tough- we dealt with healing from a c-section, jaundice, whacked out hormones, lots of crying and just general crap that comes with the territory. No one can ever prepare you for how the immense, completely life altering change that bringing a baby home will make you feel, and I sucked ass at the whole new mom thing. I will pat myself on the back and say I did a kick ass job of taking care of him and not blaming or taking out my feelings on him, but I sucked at handling myself in the process. I cried, I snapped, I yelled, I cried some more, and probably made my husband question ever decision he ever made when it came to choosing me to mother his children. Hell, I questioned every decision I had made. I looked at Big Poppa one night and asked him what the hell we had done- did we really think this through? Did we really want this? It was a dark time, and I do not look forward to repeating this with any future children.

You probably don't believe that this glowing introduction is going to lead to a funny story (who am I kidding, it doesn't), but stick with me. After the first 4-6 weeks, T and I slipped into a great routine and we had a kick ass time. Groupon had a deal on a 1 month gym membership that I took advantage of, I joined a tanning bed and just generally saw how the other half, i.e "SOME" stay at home moms/wives, live. (Gotta stay PC, don't want any angry housewives on my ass.) My mom would take T for a lil while to allow me some free time and that was pretty awesome.
But one of my favorite things to do while on maternity leave was go to the movies, and nothing is more movie friendly than a newborn. Sure people gave me the stink eye, but he was just a tiny baby. He sleeps all the time, people! And if he wasn't sleeping, he was eating- lucky for me, I carried around his food in my shirt so he was all set as long as his mommy was there. We live in the south, and the summers here are a bitch, so escaping to a mostly empty, early afternoon movie in the A/C was my own little slice of heaven and my mom often joined me.
On this fateful day, I think we were watching Friends with Benefits. My mom always wants to hold T while he sleeps, really stepping in when the going gets tough, and this particular time found her holding my sleeping baby and eating candy. She dropped one of her Milk Duds, but "we" just assumed it hit the ground. She neglected to tell me that she never actually heard said Milk Dud hit the ground.
As we were walking to the car, I noticed something dark in the fold of Baby T's neck. Upon closer examination, I discovered that it was, indeed, the missing Milk Dud. Remember how I said our summers are hotter than hell down here? I'll give you 3 guesses to the form this Milk Dud had taken. If you guess melted into my baby's neck and hair, you would be right my friend. Caramel and chocolate. MELTED INTO MY BABY'S SKIN. AND HAIR. Don't forget hair- that's what makes this so special. You can imagine how easy caramel is to get out of  baby fine hair.
What do you think my mom was doing at this point? Apologizing profusely? Offering to clean him up immediately? Crying at the realization that she totally failed at grandmommying that day? Nope, not T's Lolly. She was laughing- uncontrollably at that. While I must admit, it was a little funny, I was also incredibly traumatized. I threw him, ever so gently of course, into the back of my Explorer and stripped that baby down. I gave him the best whore's bath that a pack of baby wipes can provide and he was good as new in no time.
My mom is lucky I was able to clean him up so easily, because I could have revoked her baby holding privileges right then and there. But then she probably wouldn't be so apt to take care of him for me- and that punishes me much more than her. Ok, I wasn't going to revoke her privileges but I sure did give her a stern look. And very forcefully asked her to please not lose food in my baby's fat rolls again. OR ELSE.....
Just to put some of my prouder parenting moments out there- here is a list of some of T's first movies:
Horrible Bosses
Bad Teacher
Friends with Benefits
The Help
Twilight- Breaking Dawn
We also watched the first 2 seasons of The Walking Dead. Kids don't really pay attention to TV, right? God, I hope I haven't broken my kid.


  1. Hi Megan! Get excited, box on the way! I mailed it out today September 11th filled with goodies :)

    Chat soon! Sarah

  2. Oh my goodness, this would so happen to me. I hope babies don't pay attention to tv because during the day I put on Greys anatomy for background noise. My daughter will either become a doctor or a hypochondriac. LOL

    1. I'm just going to disregard the recommendations that kids dont look at screens until 2- that just can't happen in my tv-loving house!